Internal IT: Where "Swiss-German" is the Secret Password – Expats Welcome (For the Cleaning, Thank You!)
Gut am Arbeitgeber finde ich
To be fair, my review only covers the internal IT department - My internal customers were always friendly and respectful. And to those who really run things: go ahead, tell whatever story fits best. You’ll always find an audience eager to believe and accommodate you. Just keep faking it until you make it. After all, the lambs may only realize, right before the end, that it’s not the wolf they should’ve feared - but the shepherd. And to middle management: “You can always convince the lambs that you’ve been a vegetarian all along.”
Schlecht am Arbeitgeber finde ich
Talking beats doing, and managing outranks executing. Agility? More like expensive improvisation. They’ve broken the waterfall model into sprints, slapped on a buzzword, and called it “Next-Gen PM” - a true stroke of genius. Titles are handed out like participation trophies, while real work is an afterthought. Promises dissolve as quickly as they’re made. Tenure is mistaken for expertise, and leadership is just loud self-promotion.
Here, perception beats performance, and the only things growing faster than the jargon are the broken promises. But don’t worry - the help desk is there to handle customer-facing tasks and maintain appearances.
Verbesserungsvorschläge
"I'm moving to Switzerland!" I told my father. He just smiled knowingly. "Reminds me of a story," he said, "about a driver on the brand-new Bern-Zurich motorway. The radio blared: 'Attention, wrong-way driver on the N1 toward Bern!' The driver scoffed, 'One wrong-way driver? Amateur hour! There's a convoy! And they're heading to Zurich!'"
My father's wisdom: "They're always right, and you'll always be wrong." And their mantra: "Zuerst ich, dann nochmals ich, dann lange, lange nichts, dann wieder ich..." And remember, "Schadenfreude" isn't just a word; it's a lifestyle for them."
Me, years later, working for Zühlke Internal IT: "Oh, now I get it."
Verbesserungsvorschlag:
Invest in some full-length mirrors. You might actually see the problem. Just a thought.
Arbeitsatmosphäre
Swiss-Germans and their German cousins - renowned for their humility, never ones to assume superiority. Their modesty is only matched by their impressive ability to maintain double standards. Truly, they are the undisputed masters of veiled criticism and contempt.
Kommunikation
They've already made the decision, but since your input is valuable, you get to choose: would you prefer to die by hanging or by firing squad?
Kollegenzusammenhalt
Coworkers: The house is on fire, save yourself if you can!
Leaders: The horse is dying, get a bigger wagon and a stronger whip, asap!
Vorgesetztenverhalten
Confidence is often mistaken for competence.
Staying in a company for years doesn’t make you qualified - it just means you’ve mastered the art of staying put. After all, sitting in a car for decades doesn’t turn you into a Formula 1 driver; it just means you’re really good at sitting.
Interessante Aufgaben
Nothing worth mentioning.
Umgang mit älteren Kollegen
At a certain age, employees who aren’t known for their unwavering agreement with everything tend to disappear overnight. Strange coincidence, isn’t it?
Arbeitsbedingungen
They make big promises until you are on board, then amnesia sets in. An expert tip: insist on written agreements.
Umwelt-/Sozialbewusstsein
Sustainability is mostly a PR exercise. Many greenwashing tactics are in vogue.
Gehalt/Sozialleistungen
Working here is already a privilege - so a raise? Let's not get ahead of ourselves. How about an impressive title instead? "Senior Expert, Lead Visionary, Innovation Strategist, Technology Evangelist, and Thought Leader" sounds nice, doesn't it?
Image
Marketing is a beautiful illusion - it all looks perfect… until you sign the contract. No wonder some managers would do well in politics.
Karriere/Weiterbildung
You handle the boring tasks and keep quiet! We, the LEADERS, will attend the classes, the retreats, the conventions, and enjoy all the perks; after all, we’re the EXPERTS, my dear fellow.